SCENE 2		LIVE AND MET DIE		RICH NEALE

Narrator : So we move to the headquarters of Piers Morons 'Weather Action Technical Centre for Research into Atmospheric Physics' or WAT CRAP for short. The scene is set for a poster session to promote the dubious theories of the centre. 
Dr Kuo and double agent Shine are celebrating after taking the coveted 5 starts of the British Meteorological Service.

Kuo : (Clink of glasses) Well done Shine, I trust the operation was a complete success.

Shine : It was quite simple really. Those fools read the signing in book and believed I was in my room - they didn't suspect a thing !

Kuo : Were the 5 stars where they were supposed to be?

Shine : Yes, in the folder marked "Career Opportunities in Meteorology" in the library. Everyone knows there's nothing in there and so plenty of room for 5 big stars.

Kuo : You have done well Shine, my influence has seen you progress through the meteorology ranks with great speed.

Shine : Maybe too fast Dr Kuo, I have a feeling Agents Thuburn and Craig are growing suspicious.

Kuo : Do not worry, everything is falling into place. The scientific credibility of my convection scheme may be dead, but with the 5 stars, your ever growing influential backing and Piers' new but somewhat debatable solar theories. I shall again rule the weather world Ha Ha Ha cough, cough, !!!

Shine : (Patting on back) Are you o.k. Dr Kuo?

Kuo : (Recovering) Yes, damn cheap Sherry !

Seargent walks on with his two incompetent henchmen (Lycra and all !).

Kuo : Ah Seargent, inform Dr Moron that we will soon be ready to receive our meteorological guests for our inaugural gala poster session.

Seargent : Yes your supreme nastiness.

Seargent walks off.

Kuo : Shine I think you had better make yourself scarce, wouldn't want you to be recognised by anyone.

Shine : O.k. I have that vice-chancellors acceptance speech to finish anyway.

Kuo : (Smiling) That's what I like about you Shine, always planning ahead !

Shine leaves and Kuo walks over to his seat whilst looking around for something. 
Kuo : Where's that stereotypical baddies pet white cat of mine. Oh Mr Drizzle, Mr Drizzle ...

HM1 : (Looking horrified) Oh god not Mr Drizzle !

HM2 : (Looking puzzled) Who's Mr Drizzle?

HM1 : You've not met Mr Drizzle ? He's the bosses fluffy white cat.

HM2 : Fluffy white cat, how can you possibly be scared of a fluffy white caaaaaat !!  (BIG cat walks on) He's huge.

HM1 : Japanese fighting cat ... very rare breed!

Mr Drizzle paws the two henchmen and walks towards Kuo.

Kuo : Ah, there you are my evil little feline side-kick.

Mr Drizzle sits on Kuo's knee, purrs then proceeds to bite Kuos hand.

Kuo : Hmmm, hungry are we. Henchmen do something useful and feed Mr Drizzle, he's VERY hungry. I'm off to vindictively crash the CRAY.

Kuo walks off and passes a tin with a fork in to HM1.

HM1 : This isn't in our contract is it ?

HM2 gets out a copy of their contract.

HM2 : (Scanning contract) Let me see ...... must scare undergraduates twice daily ...... regular annoy secretaries ...... dress in a manner suitable for the mid-seventies .... sundry duties, ahh! here we are, feed Mr Kuo's cat on request and no compensation will be given for loss of limbs during this task!

HM1+HM2 : AHHHHGGGHH!

HM1 and HM2 run off (in a panto way) pursued by Mr Drizzle.

Moron walks on with Seargent.

Moron : This poster session is the first step towards our domination of the Met. world. Did you get that drink I asked for.

SEARGENT : Yes, (holds up bottle) the finest Sherry 2.99 can buy. Only the best for these academics!

People filter in to the room and grab a sherry on a plate that is being held by the seargent. One is Sonde, one is agent Craig one is agent Thuburn and one is the mysterious US agent (Felix Lightsculpture). Probably one or two extras ?

Sonde, Craig and Thuburn gather together.

Sonds : (whispering, but in a shouting kind of way) Right look out for things that might lead us to the whereabouts of the five stars. We'll never cover this building together so lets split up. Craig you take that square metre over there, Thuburn that square metre over there and I'll err.. just stand here.

They split up accordingly and Moron approaches Sonde.

Moron : (Shaking hands) I don't believe we've met, my name is Dr Piers Moron, head of the centre.

Sonde : WAT CRAP ?!

Moron : (Shocked) I'm sorry ?

Sonde : WAT CRAP ? You're head of the Weather Action Technical Centre for Research into Atmospheric Physics, WAT CRAP ?

Moron : Oh yes I see, I am head of this centre. And you are ... ?

Sonde : The names Sonde, Jane Sonde Licence to Kill....ect data for the Met. Office.

Moron : Ah, you're one of these new licenced data collectors for the Met. Office. So what do you thing of these new theories of the atmosphere, pretty ground-breaking don't you think. I imagine they've stirred the meteorological corridors of power somewhat.

Sonde : They're actually 'shaken not stirred'. It's had more of an effect than you could imagine.

Moron : Excellent ... Well it was good to meet you Ms. Sonde.

Sonde : Likewise.

Sonde walks off and stands next to US Agent Lightsculpture and they both observe a poster. Lightsculpture leans towards sonde

Felix : (In a secret code type voice) I believe the anchovy fishing industry suffers greatly when El Nino falls in a world cup year.

Sonde : (Also in a secret code type voice) Yes, but the anchovy stock recovers
the following year after England do pathetic in the competition.

Felix : (Pulling out ID) Agent Felix Lightsculpture, GFDL.

Sonde : (Also getting out ID) Agent Jane Sonde 007, British met Service. I knew you guys were in the area but we received no message that you would be here.

Felix : We suspect we,ve suffered a massive loss at the hands of Moron and his 'associates'. Our prestigious 5 Bill Gates's awarded for gratuitous PC usage have been stolen.

Sonde : Hmmm, sounds serious. Our organisation too has lost a prestigious 5 stars awarded for research excellence.

Felix : He obviously intends to use them to add credibility to all these dubious theories. The lavish show, expensive sherry - it all adds up.

Sonde : Yes, academics are easily impressed by this expensive Sherry, it's so much better than the 1.99 stuff they're used to. This is getting far more serious we must search around the rest of the building.

Felix : But how can we with Moron and all these people around. 

Sonde : We need a diversion. Wait here I have other Agents on the ground they can help us.

Sonde walks over to Agents Craig and Thuburn.

Sonde : Things are more serious than we thought we need to search the rest of the building. Create a diversion so I can get away un-noticed. The old Browning/Norwegian frontal model maneuver should do it.

Craig and Thuburn nod confidently, and Sonds returns to Felix. Agents Craig and Thuburn turn to look at a poster and start to discuss.

Craig : (In an obviously attention grabbing way) Well it's obvious to me that the synoptic structure conforms to the pattern of cyclone development consistent with a cold and warm front structure. 

Thuburn : (Also in an obviously attention grabbing way) but you have not considered the vertical velocity along the cold front which obviously points to a transport of air in a flowing like motion above the return flowing cold air. (makes Keith Browning type hand schematics.

Craig : (Slightly increased Anger) I'm sorry but the idea of opposite flowing air masses surely implies uncontrollable vertical shear destroying the frontal structure.

Thuburn : (Slightly more angrier) Look here the ideas of frontal singularities obviously goes against the smoothly varying nature of all known meteorological features. 

The two agents stand-off against each other and push each other around. Everyone starts to notice.
 
Moron : Oh no not another Bergen/browning stand off. Seargent we have a situation clear the room.

Seargent starts to clear the room whilst Sonde and Felix hide inconspicuously (not !) behind some poster. 

Craig : Everyone knows the little blue triangles and red semi-circles are far more fun to draw than all this arm contortion.

Thuburn : (just about to leave the room) Colourings for little kids, LONG LIVE THE UNCONTROLLABLE HAND MOVEMENTS ! (makes hand gestures).

The room is clear. Felix and Sonde emerge.

Felix : Wow, that was quite some professional work.

Sonde : Yep, Thuburn and Craig are the best, Chief Field Agent Reynolds taught them all they know.

Felix : Right lets find those stars and Gates's awards and thwart the plans of Dr Moron. 

They rummage around in the corner for stuff. 

Sonde : What's this (picks up folder and reads out writing on it) 'Funny jokes from the Christmas Panto 1990-1997' ah ha this must be a decoy as there's something in it. (opens up the folder) As I expected no jokes but 5 stars and 5 Gates's errr (as she looks at the horrible 5 pictures of Bill gates).

Felix : Oh Jane !  Well done.

Kuo walks on followed by seargent and 2 henchmen one with arm in sling and blood splattered and Homepage. 

Kuo : Not so fast Ms. Sonde or should I say Agent Sonde ?

Sonde : No, Ms. Sonde is fine.

Sonde pulls out a deadly wet and dry bulb spinning thermometer thingy.
All the baddies gasp except Kuo

Kuo : Ms. Sonde, tut tut, you and I both that is useless without this ! (prominently holds up little plastic bottle of water for the wet bulb.) 

Sonde checks the wet bulb and is distraught to find it is dry.

Kuo : Do not try anything else Ms. Sonde as I my assistant Homepage is renown for her use with the Boomerang, and will not hesitate to say g'day with it.

Homepage gesticulates a throwing action with the boomerang and Sonde and Felix do the quake in their boots thing a bit.

Sonde : Kuo, so you're behind all this, not content with the way you set back cumulus parametrisation 30 years with your scheme, you're back to destroy the global warming field.

Sonde and Felix start to be tied to two chairs by the henchmen while Kuo goes to sit down in his chair.

Kuo : Mr Drizzle !!

Mr Drizzle walks in terrifies the obviously injured henchmen and sits on Kuo's lap. 

Sonde : You'll never get away with it Kuo. Agent Professor 00Shine is the most highly respected academic in the field and he will never circum to your solar theories. 

Kuo : Surely you mean Vice-Chancellor Shine?

Sonde : What are you talking about ?

Shine walks on to the sound of some regal music with crown orb and staff thing.

Sonde : (gasping) Agent 00Shine you're a double double agent, but why?

Shine : Sorry Sonde but once your touched by the magic of media stardom you just thirst for more and more.

Kuo : Well I would love to stay and chat about old times Sonde but I have to make my way to the secret Kuo hideout on a top secret tropical island several thousand yards south of Portsmouth.

Sonde : What the Isle of Wight ?

Kuo : (To himself, but obviously to the audience as well) Damn pathetic academic travel expenses. So Ms. Bond since you have cunningly discovered the where abouts of my secret hideout I'm afraid I will have to kill.

Sonde : Whimper !!

Kuo : And you to agent Lightsculpture since you've been written out the next scene.

Felix : Whimper !!

Kuo : Ordinarily Ms. Sonde I would dispatch with you instantly, however to allow myself extra time for drinkies in the interval I am going to kill you in a un-nessecarily complicated and long-winded manner allowing for several means of escape in order that you will appear in the final scene.

Felix : You barbarian !

Kuo : Seargent tell them of their fate.

Seargent : As you can see you are tied to a chair in a passenger lift. This is however no ordinary lift it is a new and improved talking lift called the interactive meteorological conversational talking lift with the special statistically insignificant information chip insert. We like to call it Ken.

Sonde : You don't scare us Kuo !

Kuo : You will be. Seargent !

Seargent : Once inside the lift there is no escape, the doors will close and the on-board computer will refuse to either take you to the right floor or let you out due to its over-riding desire to tell you meteorological information so toe-curlingly dull it will make current weather seem like a 'fun' thing to do every Friday lunchtime.

Kuo : Enjoy your one-way trip Sonde. I shall think of you when I'm the most powerful man in the meteorological world and enjoying intimate buffet lunches with Suzanne Charton !  Ha !  Ha !  Ha !

All the Baddies leave just leaving Sonde and Felix.

Lift : Please state your desired floor?

Felix : Oh Sonde is this the end for us, dying in a lift whilst Kuo and Moron take over the world.

Sonde : We're not finished yet !

Lift : Hey did you know you're the fourth most important agents to be killed byKuo since 1993? 

Sonde : Look, It's vital you let us out not only do we have to save the meteorological world but the audience are starting to get bored and there's still another scene to go yet.

Lift : Oh I can't do that I have lots more vital statistics to tell you about. 
For instance did you know that this is the eighth funniest Christmas panto since records began in 1990.

Sonde : I don't think I can take this much longer !  If you don't let us out I warn you, you'll regret it !

Lift : Oh that must be the fifteenth biggest lie since 1987, when Michael Fish said 'Don't worry a hurricane isn't coming'.

Sonde : O.K. you asked for it !  If you don't let us out I shall recite to you the dullest most insignificant piece of writing know to man....last years script !

Lift : Aaaaahh !  Bing ! ground floor, mens-wear, kitchen utensils, meteorological instruments and evil people escaping to a tropical island. Have a nice day !

Sonde : About time ! (They untie themselves) Right Felix you tell HQ about Moron and his cronies and I'll try and catch Kuo. (Gets hat out of pocket, and puts it on) I already have a cunning plan to get on to his island ! 

Exit stage right.

The end of the scene, the extreme end. I 'aint writing this bloody panto again it's sodding hard work !