Subject: [Fwd: Script(2)] Date: Tue, 3 Nov 1998 14:51:06 +0000 From: J R Knight To: Len Shaffrey , Rich Neale J R Knight wrote: > > QJ: DO try to pay attention, Sonde! And to make sure that you do, my > lovely Research Assistant will now demonstrate some of the > equipment we've prepared to get you out of tricky situations. > Take it away! > > Nicky [adopts Game Show Hostess pose, reads from cue card]: > Well, over here we have a LOVELY surface-to-air missile set, > AND an AK47 riflette with solid silver ammunition, for ONE, LUCKY, > agent! As consolation kit, we have a matching laser rangefinder > and bugging unit, hand-tooled in titanium alloy. There are also > six state-of-the-art personal communicators, each with a built-in > poison capsule, to be taken away! > > QJ: Thank you Nicky! Now, Sonde, put THIS on... > [starts to strap on large 'wristwatch' - pauses to stroke Sonde's > wrist.] > [sings] You dance divinely, we were just two... [embarrassed, > coughs] Erm... Right! > > Sonde: What exactly is it, QJ? > > GJ: Although it LOOKS like a fairly ordinary wristwatch, Sonde, it > is, in fact, an atomic standard clock with zone-times for every > part of the world where they hold conferences. > > Sonde: Gosh! I bet Agent Valdes could use one of these! > > QJ: FURTHERMORE, Sonde, it is ALSO a combination > satellite-communication terminal, a Pentium Three supercomputer... > > Sonde: Gosh! Even Agent Valdes hasn't got one of THOSE yet! > > GJ: DO pay attention, Sonde! AS I was saying: ...combined photocopier > for secret documents, and personal radar! It can get through > walls, locked doors, and even get through directly to the > DEPARTMENTAL PROGRAMMER! > > Sonde: Gosh! Even Agent Valdes will never be able to do that! > > QJ: Of course...you won't be able to use it after Dec 31st, 1999... > Oh, and by the way - to operate it, you WILL need a Server, a > Domain, a WorkGroup Profile, a Username, an I.D., a password - > and, of course, permission from CoffeeMoney! > [to audience]: THAT should stop the students... > > Sonde: I assume that it runs off the Sun? > > QJ[testily]: No, Sonde - you'll need a battery, of course. > [plonks large box marked '+VOLTS-' on table] > And, probably, a spare. > [ditto, second box '+MORE VOLTS-'] > Look after them, Sonde. Agent Barlow seems to have had all > the rest of our electricity. > > QJ: Now, Sonde - THIS innocent-looking object... > [picks up coffee-mug with hand-grenade top] > ...contains a small quantity of a liquid so corrosively DEADLY > that it will rot the fabric of a ferro-concrete building within > a few minutes! AND, if it were to get on the shoes of Piers > Moron or his henchmen...well, Sonde I don't need to spell it out, > do I? > > Sonde: Perhaps you should, QJ. I'm not really a chemist... > > QJ[triumphantly]: Very well - N.E.S.C.A.F.E., or New Extra Slippery > Contents Affect Floor Extremely. Not really my cup of tea. > > Sonde: I've got it, QJ! But how do I get into the enemy base? > > QJ: WELL, Sonde - our Double Agent OhOhShine, at great personal risk, > has obtained one of THESE... [fumbles in pocket] > > Sonde: For the Executive photocopier? > > QJ: No,no, Sonde - it's a DUPLICATE DOORCARD: don't lose it.. > And Sonde... > > Sonde: Ye-es, QJ? > > QJ: Just this once, Sonde - remember NOT to sign your name in the > out-of-hours book, as it will give the game away! > Now - you WILL need a car... Nicole? > > Nicky [appears from side] Papa? > > QJ [hisses]: I TOLD you before - only at weekends, in the hotel! > [ points offstage, beckons impatiently] > [ car, with Nicole posing aboard, is pushed on-stage by DD] > ...and THIS is it! A 5-litre turbocharged Aston Seven...well, OH, > OH, SEVEN actually... [chuckles foolishly at crap joke] > it's, er, injected, deflected, protected, and inspected! > > Sonde: Where's my DB6? I always get the top-of-the range pullmobile! > > HoD: Well, Sonde, I'm afraid there've been...cutbacks. We had to get > more computer furniture - and a Digital Camera.. > > QJ: Well, anyway, Sonde: it has got specially heated seats to give > those UNWELCOME passengers a hot surprise... > > Sonde: Sold it for me, QJ! > > QJ: ...not to mention a sound-system to DIE for! > I want you to think of this car, Sonde, as a tactical DEVICE in > our war against Piers Moron - and since you'll be FAR too busy > to steer the thing, we've provided a DEVICE DRIVER! > [pats DD and turns to her] > Make sure Sonde doesn't CRASH THE SYSTEM, won't you! > > Sonde [gets in]: Well, off we go - has it been filled up? > > OhOhShine [offstage]: Yes Ms Sonde...with...FIVE STAR! [laughs deeply] > [DD pushes car offstage with engine noises] > > HoD [forward]: Well, QJ, at least we can be sure now that when the > balloon goes up, Sonde will be hanging in there - > but I do feel that she'll need liason and support. > Now - who have we got in THE FIELD...? > [exeunt. Cue song]