Christmas Panto 1998. Live and Met Die. Scene 3. The baddie's HQ. vn3.0 Narrator: After Sonde's dramatic escape from the talking lift and discovering the whereabouts of the headquarters of the evil Dr. Kuo and the nasty Piers Moron, she then sets off to thwart the their plans to rule the world. However in order to gain access to their secret citadel she must first endure the dread Isle of Wight Ferry and its associated bad joke, i.e. what's brown and steams out of Cowes. But then comes the real test, sneaking past the Doctor's and Moron's evil henchmen. The men who make up this wretched bunch come from the underbelly of society. Dangerous men who care little for humanity, a group of desperate killers who would happily snap a man's neck with their bare hands while changing the TV channel to see what's on the other side. A clan of desperate killers, whose only weakness is a fondness for tight uniforms. [ Evil Seargent Henchman enters ] Seargent: [shouts] Right then you 'orrible lot, I'll make evil henchmen of you yet. [ Henchman1 & Henchman2 enter marching ] Seargent: Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! Halt! Right turn! Adjust Lycra! [ Henchman1 and 2 fiddle with uniforms ] Henchman1: Oh sarge these uniforms are murder. Seargent: Quiet! Black lycra cat suits is what we evil henchmen live for! Henchman2: But sarge we look ridiculous. Seargent: Ridiculous indeed! Your uniform is a symbol of your identity, lad, a symbol of solidarity with evil henchmen the whole world over. Henchman1: That's all very well sarge, but these pants keep riding up me bum. Seargent: Eee..I'll have you know that when I was was a lass, evil henchmen were real evil henchmen. We even wore our orange berets with pride. Henchmen1 & 2: [ disgust ] Orange berets! Seargent: Aye lads! That's when we evil henchmen had no shame. We all had the dress sense of an academic. Now look lads, I want you on your best behaviour as the evil Dr. Kuo and that nasty Piers Moron will be back from conference any minute now, and I want everything looking ship-shape and squeaky clean. Henchman1: Crikey sarge, is that Dr. Kuo and Piers Moron coming towards us now? Seargent: You know lad I think that you might be right for once. Henchman2: Sarge, how do I go to the loo while wearing this cat suit? [enter Dr. Kuo, Home-Page, Piers Moron and Mr. Drizzles] Piers: It is I, the nasty Piers Moron! Dr. Kuo: And it is I, the evil Dr. Kuo. Hello my minions, I hope that you've been up to no good while I've been away? Seargent: All present and incorrect and reporting for evil duties, Sir! Dr. Kuo: Very well seargent, you may continue. Seargent: [bashful] Well if I may interrupt , sir, we and the lads, like, we clubbed together, like, and..er..got you both something in recognition of your supreme nastiness. Dr. Kuo: Well I'm truly moved, you really are the worst bunch of henchmen a dictator could ask for. I just hope that it is an evil present. Seargent: Pretty evil, sir, it is a copy of the lastest version of Word for Windows. Dr. Kuo: Phew, easy tigers, there's evil and then there's Microsoft. Piers: But Dr. Kuo we shouldn't allow Microsoft products to faze us. I feel that I could even handle Windows 98 today, for I have managed to steal from the British Meteorological Service their very raison d'etre, the legendary five stars! Henchman2: Five Star! What the eighties pop combo, wow I use to be a fan..[singing and dancing]..System addict.. Piers: Silence, you fool! Not the pop group, these are the five stars of the British Meteorological Service, a symbol of international excellence in atmospheric research and the cornerstone of our evil plan to rule the world. Besides the pop group went bust a few years ago. Kuo: Enough of this trivia! We have far more pressing matters to attend to, like publishing my evil paper on parameterising the impact of rabbits on deep convection, thus destroying the reputation and integrity of meteorologists the world over! Ha hahahah! All: Ha hahahahah! Dr. Kuo: Hey, are you taking the mickey? [All shake their head and mumble 'no'] Dr. Kuo: Hmm..well..I to am in a great mood too, for while Piers may have cleverly stolen the five Stars from under the noses of the British Meteorological Service, I have vanquished my most dread foe, the brain of Secret Agent Sonde will now have be turned to mush by boring weather statistics. Ha hahahahaha! All: Ha hahahahah! Dr. Kuo: Look I'm getting a bit self conscious of about this, you would tell me if I had a funny laugh wouldn't you? [All mumble again] Seargent: Hmm..Sir, you said that you dispatched Sonde by boring her to death with weather statistics? Dr. Kuo: Yes that's right. Seargent: You didn't just shoot her then, sir, or kosh her in the head with a big stick? Dr. Kuo: No..not as such. Seargent: And instead you opted for an over-elaborate manner of death? Dr. Kuo: Hmmm...I see, so you think Sonde might have escape my rather contrived trap? Seargent: It's a possibility, sir. Piers: Well in that case my trusty minions I want you to keep your eyes peeled for any unusual looking characters, while we go and continue our evil plans to rid the world of all things meteorological. I've got some great acronyms to shove gratuitously into a few papers. Kuo: Oh Piers you are truly are an evil man. Ha ha..okay I won't laugh this time. [As the baddies leave the Piers stops and looks horrified at his feet] Piers: Urrgh! Mr. Drizzle, use the tray next time! [exit Dr. Kuo, Piers, Home-Page and an embarrassed Mr. Drizzle] Seargent: Well lads, I suppose that we better be on the look out for any unusual looking characters. [Sonde enters with baseball cap and pizza box] Sonde: Pizza delivery! For a Dr. Kuo, one tiny overpriced pizza that was misleadingly described as large, some overcooked garlic bread, oh and you got anchovies on your pizza, even though you probably hate them. Seargent: Hmm...you seem vaguely familiar.... Sonde: Erm..perhaps we might have met at a lunchtime seminar? Seargent: Hold on a second.. [Seargent, Henchman1 & 2 all huddle up and conspire] Seargent: Anchovies on that pizza you say? Sonde: Yeah..that's right.. Seargent: They wouldn't happen to be Peruvian anchovies would they? Sonde: Er...Peruvian anchovies?..er..of course not! Ha, as every pizza delivery person worth their black pepper knows that you can't get Peruvian anchovies after an El Nino. Seargent: Oh, that's okay then, you can pass. Dr. Kuo's office is straight down the hall just past the torture chamber, or the library as we jokingly like to like to call it. Sonde: Thanks. Seargent: You know for one second there I thought you might have been a secret agent. Sonde: What holding a pizza box and wearing a baseball cap? Seargent: Yeah you're right, mad idea. Hey..Peruvian anchovies eh? Sonde: Yeah, good one. Ha, they're almost as rare as a working PC network. [All laugh] [ Seargent, Henchmen1 and 2 all leave laughing ] Henchman2: Peruvian anchovies indeed sarge. Oh you are a card, it'll be Venezuelan swordfish next. [and exit] Sonde: Right then, now that I've got into Kuo's secret headquarters all I have to do is fight a few baddies, find the stolen five stars, thwart Kuo's plan, blow up his headquarters and escape just in the nick of time. Whew, sounds a bit tiring. Perhaps I might just go to the Three Tuns instead. [enter Dr. Kuo, Home-Page, Piers Moron and Mr. Drizzles] Piers: Not so fast Sonde. You're not going anywhere. Sonde: Your quite right Moron. I've only got a fiver on me, and that's not even enough to get a half of Fosters in the Three Tuns. You couldn't lend me a tenner could you, I seem to be a bit brassic... Piers: Silence, you fool! I knew that those incompetent henchmen would allow you into our secret headquarters. It was all part of our master plan. Hire some henchmen from henchmen`R'us and allow your enemy to walk straight into your base to be captured. Sonde: You hired from henchmen`R'us! No wonder it was so easy to get in, they just take on failed post-docs don't they? Piers: Unfortunately for you Sonde you're about to become a failed secret agent. Grab her Home-Page. [Home-Page grabs Sonde, ties her up, while Mr Drizzle looks scary] Piers: So then Sonde, you managed to escape from Dr. Kuo's ingenious talking lift trap? This time we won't be making the same mistake, this time we'll get rid of you quickly. Sonde: You fiends! [looks at Home-Page] You're not going to use vegemite! Piers: Hold on, we don't want to kill you that quickly. Kuo: No, this time we shall get rid of you using the most advanced meteorological instrument known to humanity. I call it the light sculpture! [Henchman wheels on light sculpture] Kuo: Pretty isn't it? Its also incredibly high precision, I licked my finger a few times to find which way the wind was blowing and the light sculpture was always right. Sonde: You truly have a warped mind Kuo, are there no depths that you won't sink to? Kuo: But I have yet to tell you the best bit Sonde. Attached to the light sculpture is a high powered laser, which will be activated when the wind blows from the South and the yellow tube glows all sparkily, and quickly judging a few basic quantities of the boundary layer I reckon that using the frictional velocity scale that the eddy turnover time should be 2 minutes and 19 seconds. Approximately. In two minutes and 16 seconds Sonde you will be shaved into slices of salami. Ha hahahaha! [Home-Page places Sonde in front of the light sculpture] Sonde: Ha, but Kuo there is one thing that you haven't taken into account! Kuo: I don't think so Sonde. Sonde: Oh yes you have! [All except Sonde]: Oh no we haven't! Sonde: Oh yes you have! All: Oh no we haven't! Sonde: Oh yes you have! Kuo: Stop that, I'm having none of that nonsense in my final victory scene! So what is I've forgotten then, Sonde? Sonde: You've forgotten to have the light sculpture safety-checked! Kuo: Blast she's right! Okay I'll quickly do a safety check on the laser then. By my calculations we still have one minute and 13 seconds before the laser will be activated. The only thing is in order to do a safety check I have to foolishly bend down in front of it. Here everyone give us a hand. [All the baddies stand in front of the laser, the light sculpture yellow tube activated] All: Oh no the laser's been activated. The wind must be blowing from the south. [All the baddies scream and die horribly in a burst of laser beam] Sonde: Ha! Those fools forget their basic boundary layer theory. At this time of day the boundary layer is often convective in nature, and therefore a frictional velocity scaling is no longer valid. Of course, using the convective velocity scale the eddy turnover time should be about one minute and 15 seconds minutes, just enough time to convince those fools to get in front of the light sculpture. [enter HoD and Miss. Coffeemoney ] Miss. C: Oh Sonde, my hero! Your knowledge of meteorology surpasses all known bounds. [rushes across and unties her] HoD: Well done Sonde, you've saved the world from the evil Dr. Kuo and resuced the integrity of every single Meteorologists by preventing the perverted plans of Piers Moron, oh and you haven't made too many naff jokes. Miss C.: Oh Sonde! You can restock my stationary cupboard anytime. Sonde: Saving the world was nothing chief. I'm just glad that I managed to do it with 8 shopping days left before Christmas. HoD: Yes quite so Sonde. In fact the proximity of Christmas makes me think that at this special time of the year we should do the panto thing and finish with a song. Sonde: Aww, do we have too? HoD: Yes! Just don't forget who pays your wages, Sonde, if I say sing then sing. Season of goodwill and all that.. Miss C: Oh would you fill in another claims form for me, Sonde. [Cue chunky jumpers and Graham's `Chestnuts roasting on an open fire'. The title of the final song obviously]