ACT1 JAMES SONDE - LIVE AND MET DIE

> Act1.sc2
> [Miss CoffeeMoney sits centre at 'reception desk' with big notice:
>  "RECEPTION - WAIT FOR A WOMAN'S INTUITION"]
> [Sonde enters, suavely]
> 
> MCM [not looking up]: I'm VERY BUSY you know! If it's a fax, it can
>                       wait!
> 
> Sonde:   The name's Sonde...Jane Sonde. Hello CoffeMoney...!
> 
> MCM:    Jane! I was SO concerned about you after that last job,
>         Operation Quo Vadis... Ithought you'd been torn to bits!
> 
> Sonde [smugly]: Oh, it was a piece of cake...well, afterwards, anyway.
>                 AND I wasn't even shaken - just stirred...
> 
> MCM:    Well, I'm SO glad, Jane. I really thought you needed a good
>         MASSAGE at the time. Why don't you come DANCING some time?
> 
> Sonde:  It's a date, CoffeeMoney - when this show is all over.
>         Now - what's the Old Man got for me this time?
> 
> MCM :   Well, Jane, according to this Top Secret Departmental Memo...
>         [reads following as text]
>         The H.o.D, M.A.P. and P.J.V. have got a panic with N.T. -
>         it's gone O.T.T. and there's sweet F.A. back from Ray on the
>         state of play. They need the O.H.P. in 3L33, A.S.A.P.
>         - R.R. is trying to get the R.H. from S.V.P. ...
>         [raises finger] - but THAT'S on the Q.T.!  K.S. is in a mess,
>         Current Weather is anybody's guess, and J.C.M.M., pro tem,
>         are blaming P.M.!
> 
> Sonde:  You mean - the PRIME MINISTER?
> 
> MCM [hushed]: No, Jane! - PIERS MORON!
> 
> Sonde:  Great Heavens, CoffeeMoney - this IS serious! What's...?
> 
> MCM [hushed]: I CAN'T tell, Jane - Departmental Confidential, you
>               know. But HE will...
> 
> [trumpet fanfare. HoD enters with Good Agents 1&2. He carries a staff
> of office, a builders hod]
> 
> HoD:    Ladies and Gentlemen: we are facing a Departmental Crisis of
>         UNIMAGINABLE proportions - the FIVE STARS have gone missing!
> 
> [prompt card to audience - "GASP"]
> 
> HoD:    I don't need to remind you of the INTERNATIONAL implications -
>         the Germans, the Canadians, the Russians, the Italians, the
>         French...the Greeks...
> 
> GA1:    There's been so much Net traffic that one of the GL68's servers
>         caught fire!
> 
> HoD:    We need...a SITUATION UPDATE!!
> 
> GA2:    We are reliably informed, through our Double Agent OhOhShine,
>         that 'smirk' is behind this one, sir.
> 
> HoD:    Just to remind everyone: S.M.E.R.C., or 'smirk', stands for
>         SYSTEMATIC METEOROLOGICAL EXPLOITATION of RESEARCH COMMITTEES!
> 
> GA1:    But sir - so do we, don't we?
> 
> HoD [blusters]: Er, yes, of course we do...but whereas WE are the
>                 guardians of PROPER SCIENCE, er, THEY are...
> GA1:    The BADDIES, sir!
> 
> HoD:    Pree - cisely!  Continue...
> 
> GA2:    'smirk' are under the control of Dastardly World Weather
>         Villain, Piers Moron and his shadowy paymaster, Dr. Quo.
>         They intend to dominate World Weather Funding using his
>         SOLAR FLARES...
> 
> HoD:    Yes, we ARE all aware of his appalling fashion sense!
>         Go on!
> 
> GA2:    As we know, he has already succeeded in distorting the
>         atmosphere of several outer planets. He is a master of
>         disguise, a man with a mania for organisation, and a beard.
> 
> GA1:    Well, that should narrow it down a bit...
> 
> GA2:    Luckily, OhOhShine was able to gain favour by adopting a
>         similar appearance to the leader, and was recently promoted
>         to the Inner Sanctum of the organisation.
> 
> GA1:    We also know that they are guarded by Evil Henchmen who can
>         'hench' better than anyone in the business!
> 
> Sonde:  I assume that you mean Evil HenchWOMEN as well?
> 
> HoD:    Er, yes...quite so. ANYWAY...we need a Mission Statement!
> 
> GA1:    I propose we put our best agents on to this, sir!
> [agents preen themselves grossly]
> 
> Hod:    I agree - and as usual, I'm ahead of you on this one: I'm
>         sending Sonde, here: I'm getting her briefed by QJ in a moment.
> 
> GA2:    Why, exactly IS that man called QJ, sir?
> 
> HoD:    Because he's SHORT, HEAVY, and GENERALLY UNREAD, of course!
> 
> [stirring martial music. Exeunt except Sonde]